Starting October With A Laugh

My sister pulled this out while we were at my parents for dinner the other day, I laughed so hard!

When you have to visit a public bathroom you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once its your turn, you check under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someones mom no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but the isn't- so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR) yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance".

In this position, your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake........

You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken the time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off you trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to bet the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mothers voice say "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!". Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backwards against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing all together, and slide directly down onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all to well that its too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat  because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken the time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because frankly dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused, it flushes propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you hive up.

You're soaked by spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slip out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks withe the automatic sensors, so you wipe your ands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely at them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was THAT when you needed it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed he asks "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

...... This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!)

It finally explains to men what really takes us so long. It also answers their commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang on to your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door.